Over the past few months I have been silent. I could tell you about the logistical and financial challenges I have faced but honestly, that would be boring as fuck. I have already been forced to live it. Writing about it won’t change the past and I have processed most of what has taken place so there’s no benefit to writing about it.
The aspect of my separation and impending divorce that I am inspired to write about is much deeper on an emotional level. There are emotions trapped in me related to this and, if I know myself like I believe I do, blogging about my emotions is the fastest way to process and transform them.
For those of you who read my Tantrachick blog, you know on a very intimate level, the deep, profound love I had for my husband, lover, best friend, and the father of my children. You also know the profound level of commitment and love my husband had for me. A few days before our separation I posted an incredibly positive post on social media about our ever lasting love.
The fact that we separated only a few days after that post has left friends, family, and blog readers with a lot of questions. Out of respect for my loved ones, I cannot answer those questions. What I can however talk about is something that I now realize millions of people who have gone through divorce experience.
I will start by saying that, when my husband and I first separated, I thought we would divorce in a spiritually evolved manner. I pictured family events, regular communication and more importantly I was positive we would continue co-parenting our beautiful children. I thought we would divorce with ease, respect, and I was foolish enough to believe that we would both behave civilly.
I am not going to get into the actions that have led me to this moment. Instead, I want to focus on the feelings that have transpired as a result. To help you dive in to what I am feeling, I will share one short story. This is something that happened on Mother’s Day, 2018. A day that is meant to celebrate the years of commitment, love, and nurturing mothers give to their children and family.
On Mother’s Day I dropped my daughter off at her dad’s house. There is some significance to the location because her dad’s house is also what used to be our family home. It is the property where we stayed up late dreaming about our future. It is the property where we shared hours soaking in our hot tub. Where we planted gardens and raised children.
Even though our dreams no longer exist together, I don’t want those dreams to die. I feel a huge amount of respect for the man I raised my children with. I want his dreams to continue to become reality. So luckily, as I drove away, I did not feel anger or even deep sadness. I felt a level of inner calm knowing that what we worked for was going to live on even if I am not a be a part of it.
What I was not expecting, however, was to pass the man who was the true love of my life. His role in my life has shifted. That I accept. We do not have a future together, that I accept. But when we drove past each other on the road that leads to the place we used to call home, it was as if we were nothing more than strangers passing. That moment shocked me. The rush of sadness rocked me to the core.
A few months ago one of my close fiends sent me a quote. He said it made him think of me and my situation. It was something like, “The hardest moment was when I looked into your eyes and saw a stranger.” I remember reading that quote and thinking, no, that will not happen to us. It did. Although this path has been heart wrenching and soul shattering, I accept it. In fact, I have learned more about love and relationships from this experience than I did during two decades of marriage.
My understanding of this path will continue to develop and expand. Because, unfortunately, this path is not yet complete. In many ways, it will unfold over the years as our children grow and mature. As I sat down to write this post, I asked myself if the topic was even relevant to the focus of my blog. Then I thought about the blog title, ‘Get Naked With Joy.’ As I have said time and time again, there is more than one way to be truly “naked”.
From my heart to yours,