Sometimes it’s not the butterflies that tell you you’re in love. But the pain.
Leaving my husband on September 28 of last year was the most painful act of my life (to date). If you have read my blog, Tantrachick, you likely know of our epic love story, or at least the parts of it I have shared publicly.
When I left, he set a boundary. He told me with a level of intensity to Not ever write about us again. I unwillingly but wholeheartedly agreed. And in doing so, I silenced my voice.
I have honored his request (demand). But today I realized something.m; I don’t need to write about him or our relationship, but I have not only the right but also a deep need to express myself. So here I am.
I have not seen my lover. The father of my children. My best friend. My confidant. The man I trusted more than any other soul (living or deceased). Since the day we separated. Our paths have briefly crossed, but the man I once knew is no longer.
Tonight, he asked our youngest daughter to pass me her phone. He was on FaceTime. We saw each other. I saw the home that was once mine. The cat that was once mine. The man who was once mine.
To share on a deeper level would be a breach of confidence, so I will hold space for him. For me. For us. When we finished speaking, I dug in and continued filling out our divorce papers. I am divorcing my best friend.
I now have a lover. We were friends for just under two decades before we connected sexually. We have both been through a recent divorce. We have both experienced severe loss. We have found solace in each other. If he were a jealous man…
He would not have been able to handle it when I reached out tonight and embraced him and practically begged him (non verbally) to transport me from my pain. When I asked him to silence my hurt with:
A Tantric Man does not own his Woman. He does not own:
Nor does he own her pleasure. But he has been taught and he has learned and been open to understanding. How to facilitate her deepest desires how to silence her pain and help her open herself to the magnificence within her soul.
Through our beautiful and deeply pleasurable connection my lover has awoken the Tantric Man that was previously trapped within him.
That’s all she wrote. Please have patience with me while I find my voice…
From my heart to yours,
13 Comments Add yours
Ugh this is so powerful. I love your blog 💜
That is very kind of you to say thank you from my heart to yours!
Awe thank you! 💗
Being a therapist my heart aches when couples, be it one person or the other or both, end up locked in what can only be called mortal combat. Having followed your blogs for several years I have seen both happiness and pain. Hopefully your evoloving sense of peace will eventually change Mountain’s heart as well.
Keep growing, Joy. Love and Light, pure soul.
Thank you. We have found peace between us. It was a painful path but I stayed true to myself and my morals and he found himself again and in doing so reconnected as my friend.
It’s a Similar story For us the pain goes when you find new love & as the Luther Vandross song says love is better second time around xxx
I have been on the path you are now on even though each journey is unique the paths can follow similar trails. It’s been since 1999 that the woman I gave 27 and half years of my life to since we divorced It was this last year that myself realization hit me and finally set me free. I would travel back to Utah as much as I could for kids and grand kids major events. Graduations son Graduating Fire School granddaughter fight with cancer etc. Also whole family there including ex and her new crew. three years ago at Grandsons farewell to go into Navy my daughter arranged to have many family portriats taken. With 4 kids and their families and pictures of ex with each family myself with each family etc it took awhile. Something inside me stirred and for the following year and half I tried to figure out the feelings. Then one morning it while soaking in a hot tub a Laguana Del Sol Nudist Resort it hit me. I came to the realization that I don’t want to be around my ex. I realized that I gave almost 28 years to her and the life we were building and she through me aside. All the sacrifices the hard work the roads traveled to reach the time of life that we could totally be with each other and the Paradise we were suppose to have created was gone. I had reconnected with my first woman who I lived with for a year and we went our seperate ways. I moved to Oregon and created my new world but that morning I realized i was cheated out of the daily lives of the family I helped create and at that time I realized I didn’t want to be around my ex anymore. It was my issue with her and she doesn’t even know what she cheated me out of. Once I realized it was like a giant weight lifted off my shoulders. About a month ago I told my daughter what I felt and explained to her why I wasn’t their except for life moments and it was sad but needed. I told her it was my feelings and had nothing to do with her mother and their relationships. I have felt peaceful since. Sorry this is long and If i am out f line for sharing but I love your journey and follow it Have a great day
Sounds like your response to divorce is more similar to Mountain’s. He originally felt so sad and angry about the ending of our marriage that he cats me out harshly. It damaged my relationship with my kids, family and I lost many friends.
Throughout the process of his healing he was quite cruel. I consciously chose to continue being who I am and I continued to love him. I sent him some heartfelt gifts on his birthday. He could not understand why I would do such a thing.
We ended up talking things through. When a marriage or romantic relationship ends the main shift is that two people no longer have sex and likely stop living together. I have never understood why two people who spent so much time loving each other would allow a shift in their relationship end their connection and friendship.
When people have children together, I personally believe they are not just making a lifelong commitment to the children, they are also making that commitment to the co-parent, regardless of whether or not they continue to have sex and live together.
I honor and respect individual needs. Not everyone can handle maintaining that connection. I can. Mountain originally thought he couldn’t but has realized that our children and friendship are more important.
It may change over time but it is my deepest hope that we can maintain a healthy platonic connection. For our children but also for us.
To be clear, I am responding from my heart with absolutely zero judgment on the choice you made for yourself. I simply choose a different path but fully respect the one you chose for yourself and your family.
From my heart to yours,
Thank you for the insight. I wasn’t anything but kind all the years but inside I felt hollow. When I realized that it was the feelings I felt that kept me a prisoner I let go and now I can enjoy all that I’ve missed with no remorse and when I can be there for events I can put myself into being with my kids and family and eave the ex behind. As I told my daughter it was my feelings and her Mom is good for them and their own relationships. But I know can be free to feel what I want rather than what I think I should feel for the good of the family.
Glad you have clarity!
That was so dead on! I respect all woman and man. The feelings you expressed matched my heart so we’ll. Michael.
Awe thanks Michael!