A close friend of mine asked me to write about sex drive. I responded, “You want me to write about sex drives in general and what affects one’s libido?” He answered with a simple “Yes.” Because I know him so well, including some personal information about his intimate life, I assume his main question is:
Why do I actively seek out sex regularly, while my wife seems apathetic and of is often times unresponsive to my sexual advances?
Unfortunately, sexless marriages, or marriages where two partners have varying libidos are very common. As a Sex & Intimacy Coach, I have worked with numerous couples facing this very challenge. From my professional experience, in heterosexual relationships, it is more commonly the female partner who struggles with their sexual desire.
However, I have also worked with multiple couples where the roles were reversed and the woman craved sex, but her male counterpart was not interested. A sexless marriage is a marital union in which little or no sexual activity occurs between the two spouses. The US National Health and Social Life Survey in 1992 found that 2% of the married respondents (aged 18 to 59) reported no sexual intimacy in the past year.
The definition of a non-sexual marriage is often broadened to include those where sexual intimacy occurs fewer than ten times per year, in which case 20 percent of the couples in the National Health and Social Life Survey would be in that category.
You may be surprised to learn that multiple studies illustrate that around 10% of the married population below age 50 have not had sex in the past year. In addition less than 20% report having sex a few times per year, or even monthly, under the age 40. Unfortunately, the issue does not appear to be improving.
Let’s dive in for a moment and ask ourselves, what the core components of a healthy libido are. Is it physical? Mental? Spiritual? If you and your partner do not have a thriving sexual relationship, is it a sign of a deeper issue? If your partner does not crave you sexually, do they still love you?
Without working with both you and your partner, I cannot answer any of the above answers . All I can do is share a bit from my personal perspective. Innately I have a powerful libido. When I am in the right mood, I radiate sexual energy. I am capable of losing myself into what I refer to as a
“Sexual Flow State”
Accessing the right head space to achieve a sexual flow state is much more complex than meets the eye. For me to feel safe enough to fully let go, I need to have a deep, loving and compassionate connection with my sexual partner. Casual sex just isn’t for me. I also need to have a solid foundation. Meaning that my life needs to be in order.
If I am facing a major crisis, I may be capable of having a few glasses of wine and fucking away my woes, but I am much less likely to initiate regular sexual connection during a crisis. The most important ingredient for me is stability. Not just within my emotional and sexual relationship with my partner, but also in my life as a whole.
As a woman myself, I have to admit, my sexuality and related expression is far more complex than that of my current sexual partner. He would have sex with me several times per day. When I am emotionally grounded, feeling deeply connected, and my life is stable, I enjoy multiple sexual exchanges daily. For me, rewilding in nature feeds my soul, which naturally increases my sexual desires and nurtures my libido.
Is it fair that my sex drive is directly affected by my quality of life? Probably not, but that’s just how I’m built. Once again, I can’t speak for anyone else. I can only share my personal perspective. If you are struggling to maintain an active sex life with your lover, and they’re open to communicating about your feelings, I recommend being non-judgmental, open minded, and overall very gentle in your communication.
If you would like to learn more, you may fill out my intake form to book a free clarity call.
From my heart to yours,