“Being vulnerable is a risk we must take if we want to attain true connection.”
My sister recently told me that she thinks that part of the emotional the fact that I have not been has been encouraging me to write from a place of vulnerability. I have not allowed myself to fully express. I’ve felt blocked and inadvertently held in my expression. My heart is aching. Silently. Loudly. And everything in between.
I cannot believe it’s been almost 5 years since my separation. What’s even more shocking to me is that I am not sure I’m any less heart broken than I was when it first happened. I think I’ve just learned how to cope better. This past week I was feeling a level of freedom from this seemingly eternal suffering.
I found myself moving on. Finally. He and I had reached a level of friendship and co-parenting that was both functional and soulful. We’ve even had dinner a few times, but managed to keep things purely platonic. We have dove into each other again twice since our original separation.
The first time, a couple years back, I was debilitated with fear. Fear of being hurt. Fear of loving in the same way…So I hurt him by abandoning him again. Last year we spent a couple months making love and laughing. Then he said he had trust issues and wasn’t sure if he could handle being in relationship again. So I launched off on my grand road trip and inadvertently abandoned him again.
When I returned, he and I worked hard to build a true friendship. Last week, on the first day of my period, I was feeling especially emotional. He sat with me at the local Inn and did what he used to do for me when we were married; he listened to me and reassured me. We talked briefly about our friendship. We both agreed it was time to fully move on and truly let go of one another.
Then, the night before last, he invited me over. I was excited to hang out as friends. We shared some whisky, had some laughs, and a few tears. Then we f*cked. I stayed over, holding him as he slept. I barely slept at all. Instead I laid there in a state of deep inner turmoil, but stayed so I didn’t disturb his sleep.
His alarm went off and we rolled into each other and made love. A moment that stood out to me was when he said that we have a “Once in a lifetime kind of love.” I left shortly afterwards so he could get on with his morning routine. We spoke briefly on the phone that afternoon.
We’ve not spoken since. Some of you may not know that, before my separation, I was a sex and intimacy coach. I stopped after what felt like a failure. I failed at my own marriage, how could I possibly teach others about intimacy? Despite my personal setback, I know that the knowledge I have to share is worthy.
I feel ready to coach again. Through a marriage that lasted 2 decades and my subsequent divorce, I have learned so much about love, intimacy, sex, connection and the related emotional facets. It is time for me to once again share my path with others. I am gathering the pieces of my soul and once again working through heartache.
But I am ready to reignite my passion for coaching and refocus on my professional practice. I am excited to help you dig deep and transform. Maybe I am a bit of a coyote teacher. I share what NOT to do lol. Regardless of my personal short comings when it comes to maintaining a monogamous committed relationship, pleasure is my power house.
I hope you’re having a beautiful day. From my heart to yours, Joy
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