Love without sex is still the most efficient hell known to man.Pete Porter
In 2009, one of my blog readers reached out to me. He was struggling because he was in a sex deprived marriage. At the time, he and his wife were having sex 1-2 times per month. As the years passed, sex with his wife became increasingly infrequent. At some point during the last decade or so, his marriage became what is commonly referred to as a sexless marriage; a marital union where the couple do not have sex. Ever.
He and I still speak a few times a year. He schedules a call with me, we chat, update each other like old friends, and then we focus on his intention for the call. One time he texted me out of the blue. He was sitting at a cafe waiting for a “findom” he had reached out to. If you’re not familiar with the term, a findom is a dominatrix who focuses on financial control that may or may not also involve sexual exchanges. I immediately called him and told him to get his ass out of that cafe immediately.
His sexless marriage has led him down a dark path. He felt deprived. A level of desperation had taken over. He also had a submissive side to him. Reaching out to a professional felt less like cheating than if he were to develop a sexual connection with a friend or colleague. The potential financial, emotional and sexual risks associated with hiring a findom are substantial. I have no issue with an empowered, unattached individual hiring a dominatrix or a sex worker. My concern is more for those who are in a vulnerable state of mind like my client was at the time. He was grateful that I helped him be strong and focus on a solution rather than adding to his problems.
Another client of mine confided in me about the sexual challenges in his marriage. They had been married well over two decades. They had a couple kids and had built a beautiful life together. They were having sex once a week. Their sex was quick, efficient, and generally lacking passion or deep pleasure. In some marriages, similar to my client’s, sex becomes a chore. Something you do to get a quick release and move on with your day. That is what my client was facing and unfortunately, this is far too common in our driven, disconnected society.
A more recent example that inspired me to write this post is a client who reached out to me because of his own sexual issues within his marriage. Due to a variety of health challenges, sex is not currently feasible in his marriage. The issues creating the sexual block are potentially reparable, but for the moment, he needs to find another outlet for his sexual energy. Many of my clients reach out to me because they are in a marriage completely devoid of sex, or having infrequent sex that is lacking sexual fulfillment and they want to find a solution.
Despite popular opinion, this does not only happen to men. There was a time during my marriage where stress levels were high. My husband was working nights and balancing full time online studies with a full time job while I was balancing a part time sex coaching practice and full time mothering. I was working a lot, trying to meet my kids needs, my husband’s needs and run the household efficiently. My husband also loved gaming.
One weekend, all the kids were away and he was playing video games. I got dressed in lingerie, walked into the room and straddled him. Rather than share the details, let’s just say that his reaction was NOT a turn on. The positive outcome was that we had a heated argument that ended in fabulous makeup sex. My husband also sold his Xbox and put more focus on our mutual sexual satisfaction. I have a sex drive comparable to a man with a high libido. I must admit, I am not nearly as pleasant to be around when my sexual needs are left untended.
After 2 decades of a loving, decently sexually satisfying marriage, my husband and I separated (summer of 2017). I found myself in an incredibly difficult situation. After two decades of focusing on love, connection and sexual connection, I was alone. I am not someone who thrives without sex, so I opened my mind, heart and body to a dear friend. If you have been reading my blog for awhile, you may know that my friend is also the man my husband and I brought into our bed (at my husband’s request). Because of the complexity of our history and the way it looked to a lot of people, I was slut shamed for continuing a relationship with this man. Being on the receiving end of such an ignorant attack was in fact the catalyst for this blog, Get Naked With Joy.
I have maintained a personal, sexual and business relationship with this man since ‘17. We run a construction company together and are currently finishing a fixer upper in Washington state. My ex-husband and I tried to rekindle our marriage on a few occasions. Each time we have fabulous sex and work through the issues that unfolded after our divorce. Sometimes we have sex all night, then wake up and go our separate ways. More than once we had deeply passionate sex for a few consecutive months, but in the end, we find we are better off as friends. Rather than complicate my life with a new connection, I always go back to my friend whom I love and trust. As you can imagine, this unconventional relationship my lover and I have is not an easy path to walk.
I found marriage easy. Grounding. Loving. Comfortable. Pleasurable. Above all, I truly enjoyed being married and raising a family with my husband. Last year I found myself sexually blocked. The history between my friend/lover and I often weighs on my heart. I was masturbating frequently, but I shut down sexually to him. We were still working together, but were not having sex regularly. We took some space and I ended up diving in with a lover who was 15 years younger than me. I learned a lot about myself through those experiences. My point in sharing all of this is simple; I have rediscovered myself on an emotional, spiritual and sexual level. I have also unearthed aspects of my soul that had never before seen the light of day. I took some time to work on myself, but I am now ready to begin intimacy, relationship and sex coaching once again! ♥️
If you are in a sexually deprived or fully sexless marriage, or if you do not feel sexually satisfied either solo or within your partnership, I am here for you. I know how it feels and I would love to have the opportunity to be an active listener and help you rediscover yourself as a sexual being. I would love to help you unearth aspects of your soul that have not yet seen the light of day. I would love to be your guide and help you tap back into yourself on an emotional, sexual and spiritual level. Before taking on new coaching clients, I ask that we schedule a call to make sure we are aligned. If you would like to book a call, please comment or email me: firstname.lastname@example.org I am also getting ready to launch two online courses: The Tantric Man and My Path to Pleasure. I will be sharing more details in future blog posts.
I hope your day is filled with unadulterated bliss! From my heart to yours, Joy